Lucky for you, one of Ice Cream Truck’s very own went deep undercover (c’est moi!) into the murky depths of Coachella, and now I get to stand on my cyber soapbox and wax blustering prose about how fanfuckingtastic it was. For those who aren’t in the know:

Coa•chel•la |ˌcōˈchelə|
formally known as Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, is a three-day annual music and arts festival held at the Empire Polo Fields in Indio, California.
• [as n.] the brief intersection between reality and phantasmagoria, where all that glitters really is gold. Or at the very least, a scepter with flashing lights : Coachella is where worries go to die.
• [as n.] the most glorious holiday in the mortal experience : HAPPY COACHELLA!!

Now presenting Coachella: The [Rough] Guide. Because, hopefully, you’ll be there with me in 2012.

  1. Lifestyles of the rich and famous:

    Camping Versus Crashing

    Provided that you are neither rich nor famous, room and board are obvious logistical concerns. So, if you’re too cheap/poor to rent a room/condo/house/&c. or don’t have the good fortune of knowing someone of property around Coachella willing to put up with you, have no fear. The campgrounds are fairly luxe as far as camping is concerned (i.e. running hot water!) and you often meet the most amazing people, given that your neighbors aren’t complete twats. Coachella, thankfully, is a filter in and of itself for such undesirable personalities. You also gain about a bajillion points in well-earned street cred. I’m looking at you, fragile flowers. But when a picture is worth a thousand words…

  2. Lawrence of Arabia: 

    Hydrate thyself.

    As fanfuckingtastic as Coachella is, water is $2 a pop and a measly plastic cup of Heineken will set you back another 9 greenbacks. This is a friendly reminder that Coachella is a business. [Insert outrage and angrily shaking fists in the air.] At least they have “Hydration Stations” for filling up those empty water bottles? Security upon entering the fairgrounds is almost at TSA levels, but the key word here is “almost.” Ladies and gents, prepare to stuff a flask here and there.

    Also, it’s the desert. Sunscreen, stunna shades, and bigass hats are highly recommended. I’ll tell you now that everyone at Coachella is absolutely gorgeous, so I wouldn’t judge you if you wear your Sunday best and forego that goofy bigass hat. Such being said, if you’re going to wear high heels to this desert free-for-all, you’re an asshole.

  3. Finding friends:

    Easy as π

    75,000 faces. Chances are you will get separated. See how easy that was to find some friends? And we didn’t need any leashes! Thanks, Inflatable Pink Flamingo, you saved many a person. You were a lighthouse calling to ships lost in a sea of drunk, sweaty dancers.

    On a side note, balloons are theoretically a good idea but people will pop your balloon. What can I say? People are dicks. Go for an inflatable.

  4. Chemistry can be for better living, but:
     

    And finally, forget everything. This is Coachella. ‘Til next year, kiddies.

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